open book

maybe it's obvious, maybe it's not, but I just desire to be an open book. I desire to be known fully, and maybe this is in an attempt to be completely full, to be lacking nothing. foolishly, I still think that this can come from other things. from people, food, good works, worldly success, and on and on and on. the list continues forever. but the most foolish part about it is that I am already fully known. I don't have to keep clawing after worth when I, although undeserving, have received it already. I am worthy because the Father has called me worthy, because He has adopted me as His own.


the more I've been around myself lately, the more that I've discovered the rottenness of my heart. the more I've just felt like a whitewashed tomb, a person who does all her deeds to be seen by others. a person who preaches, but does not practice, who hardly tithes in general let alone tithes justice and mercy and faithfulness.

recently, I've been put in a place of leadership in bridges, campus crusade's international ministry, and it has been such a blessing. I am just continually blown away by how much God has blessed me in allowing me to be friends with these students and attempt to be a light to them, to spread a little salt. but while God has blessed me with these things, while he has given me the opportunity to lead in a position for people who are stealing my heart, I feel entirely unworthy. I just don't feel qualified, but I feel called. I hate using all this cliche Christian terms, but it's true.



Jesus, I come before you, broken and empty, with my pride at your feet. change my heart and make me new.