gratitude

enlightenment hasn't been the name of the game of my brain lately (dr. seuss, look out), but i figured i should give the rusty wheels of my writing skills a turn or two, since i'm not getting much this quarter, and figured it'd be a good idea to try one of those blog series-type deals. i feel as if most of my posts have been about more dismal aspects of my life/thoughts, and so i felt that being thankful and rejoicing in the everyday blessings of my life would be, well...a good thing to do.

i was reading this morning in philippians how we are to "rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice." my heart hurts and is filled with the awareness that i hardly ever do this. i worry about trivial things--about how i look and what i do and how others act; i thought today how paul wrote philippians in prison, and yet he was still able to rejoice, as well as commanding people to rejoice. truly incredible.

anyways, these past few days we've gotten a lot of snow in athens. the ivory flakes have clung to the branches and the hillsides, creating scenery so beautiful i can hardly comprehend the wonderland around me.

i have noticed growth inside of me -- the friends around me who love me in a way i've never experienced have greatly contributed to this. Christ works in them and i notice it every day. the weight of the world is a struggle, but it is a blessing to bear it together, to be able to share and be more honest than i ever imagined i could be. i am so thankful for the friends who love me.

i am thankful to be able to change. for quiet mornings and the blessing of having enough time to think about life and read about God. it is such a blessing.


this is something i hope to keep thinking about:
don't be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer & petition, w/ thanksgiving, present your requests to God. & the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts & your minds in Christ Jesus. finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things.
+phil. 4:6-8

incomplete

things that make me sad/angry: animals in cages, feeling so sick from feeling so full, the earth quake in haiti, not being closer to my family, being disobedient, not getting stuff done on lists, old people who are lonely, people who are lonely in general, when people are depressed, when i am depressed for no good reasons or for reasons that i create, having an addiction to food when some people have absolutely no food, when people get cancer, when people are arrogant or prideful or just plain mean, when i am arrogant or prideful or just plain mean, some movies (revolutionary road, etc), not being honest, making people feel that they are below me, when i waste time doing stupid things, when i don't think about more wholesome things, when people are mad/angry/annoyed with each other, when people hurt each other and throw things at each other in a mean way, when i forget about people or forget that i'm supposed to hang out with them or meet up with them, when i wake up late, when i don't know what's going on in the world because i'm too lazy to read the news (even though i'm a journalism major), when i'm too scared/embarrassed to compliment people or tell them something nice that i think is true because i might look dumb, prejudging people, the holocaust, genocide, when i can't do everything at one time, when i procrastinate like a frikkin fool, being rude, spilling stuff on myself, when things are falling or dropping, not getting the chance to say goodbye, how everything just feels so broken and not fixable sometimes

things that make me happy/joyful: being in a room with a bunch of people that i love and seeing their love for each other and their love for God (it causes my heart to melt), cinnamon hugs, realizing that God is actually real - that Jesus is REAL, being filled with the Holy Spirit, making new friends, long conversations about everything and nothing, when i make a recipe i've never made before and realize it wasn't even that hard, becoming better friends with my brother, listening to my brother talk, quad, visiting friends, running into people randomly in random places, random acts of kindness, snail mail, MUSIC, dancing to music with people, being stressed because i have a lot to do and then getting it all done and being able to relax, family gatherings, great books, realizing people usually have a lot more goodness than i first thought them to have, running through fields just for the sake of running through fields, epic adventures, music + driving, laughing so hard, grace, grinding my own coffee, big ol hugs, playing in puddles, ice cream, some movies, going to bed early by choice, dear roommate, michael jackson conspiracy theories (he's alive!), christmas time, surprise parties, eating meals together, cooking together, breathing, stretching, waking up early on my own, mountains, people i love, dance breaks, biddle hall, living so close to friends, sleepovers, 11 stew, GALs, sky, clouds, trees, stargazin, rain storms, summer time, autumn, drinking milk, squash, homemade bread, sleeping in the midst of friends, watching scary movies with friends, kettle corn, painting things, drawing things, talking to children, water, peanut butter, mom & dad, hilarious people, awkward people, people people, drawing aliens, writing notes on whiteboards, beetssssss, reading for leisure, college


love/hate: staying up late for no reason, the realization that i have no control over my future, being uncertain, awkward situations, shively dining hall, having to change, the movie food, inc.

sometimes i just want to shout for joy

although i have so much to do and so little time, i have been reminded how thankful i am for so many things. friends remind me of this, when i get the pleasure of knowing their thoughts and knowing more who they are. i am so thankful for all the beautiful things, for the people and for God, for the people who make things such as bread and blankets and homemade scarves, for hugs and laughter and crying together. and i am thankful for the God who has made the ocean and the sky and the mountains and the rain; the God who has made the man who can make the bread, who can piece words together to create a book, or notes to create a symphony. i am thankful for hidden treasures in private woods and for surprise letters; for all the people who have prayed for me and continue to; for all the people who have sacrificed for me, although i am usually too embarrassed/forgetful to thank them. i am thankful for the heartache and for the dreams in my heart. man oh man. there is so much energy inside of me right now!

a few ideas

1. take risks
2. draw stuff
3. grow a little and ride green bike
4. eat a lemon
5. laugh really hard
6. remember that i know nothing
7. pray a lot
8. sing with friends
9. take a roadtrip
10. learn how to dance for realz
11. write letters
12. forgive
13. milk a cow
14. speak less
15. see the sunrise ONCE this quarter
16. run really fast whilst screaming
17. remember others beside myself
18. learn how to say no
19. breathe deep
20. tell people i love them
21. remember that it ain't about me


happy seasons, lovely ones

truth

i don't feel like reading the news. ever. okay, maybe sometimes. but not usually. i'd rather watch comical videos, or listen to podcasts, or poop. dance. cry. blah blah

goodbye



sidenote: things inspire me. such as great books (the glass castle), music (regina spektor), life. life life life. sometimes i love crying. lately i just haven't felt much, you know? or i've been feeling a lot of nothing. i dunno. it's true that it's harder to pinpoint what's really wrong. i haven't felt like reading the bible. i haven't felt like doing anything. the human condition is weird. but not weird. that's the wrong word. i like staying in the bathroom. i have always liked bathrooms. and food. it's funny that people still are kind of the same person when they're older as when they were younger. but that's not really true. but maybe it is sometimes. anyways.

it's also true that i am hardly ever living in the present. i'm always living in the past or the future and i'm never fixing now. i'm just never living. but sometimes i am. hmm. i am just telling you my feelings, and i sound like i am complaining right now. but i am not, i am just saying what i am feeling. and i want to know what you are feeling too. you dont have to comfort me, i am just telling. it is important to tell.

also, regina spektor is great. music in general. you know.


let's be friends

i want my life to be more than an idea/

at least that's the idea.








When love comes
Will you release the rain
Will you change the world
To the song you sang?

let me just say

i have such a hard time with this whole "cool" thing. i realize that everyone wants to be cool. i'll fess up: i, too, want to be cool. i enjoy wearing cool clothes. i enjoy writing cool blog posts. i enjoy having cool ideas. but. i am sick of cool (maybe that makes me cool).

it's true that i am so sick of image. and while i wallow shoulder deep in it as i type these words, my soul is just sick of it. or maybe that is God really. i don't know. all i know is that sometimes all this "cool" Christianity just drives me crazy. and maybe i'm just underestimating people. i do that a lot. but it also could be a reflection of the fact that i judge people a lot, sadly. hmm.

it's just so hard to know what is "right" politically, religiously, etc when there are so many different views and so many people saying that their way is correct, their ideas and theology and lifestyle are the right way. sometimes it just makes me shut down.