so lately

I have been struggling to understand the gospel of Christ, that is "that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures (1 Corinthians 15:3-4)." And that, because of this, "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me (Galations 2:20)."

Most of you who read this, whoever you may be, probably have caught on by now that I am a follower of Jesus Christ, that I am a Christian. And while I have been toting around this label for quite some time now (fifth grade, if we're being precise), I recently, only two weeks ago, realized again what being a follower of Christ really means. See, I have always been a very good kid. I am not trying to be full of myself by saying this, but I say this because I know it is true. I have never been drunk, I've never had sex, I've never done any drugs. I always tried to not make my parents or teachers mad at me. I tried to be nice to everyone, I tried to get everyone to like me. I was trying to be "perfect (although there are plenty of other crappy things that I did that just aren't in the Big Sins category)." This is not what it means to be a Christian. Actually, this is the opposite of what it means to be a Christian. But I had forgotten this truth.

See, what I mean is, when Christ came to earth, he came as fully God and fully man. He was Immanuel, or "God with us." He lived a fully human life and was tempted in every way that we are, but he did not sin. He came because since Adam and Eve, as many of you might recall, humans have been separated from God because of sin, because God is completely holy and just and without sin, and therefore could not be among people who are full of sin. Therefore they needed an atonement for their sin--a sacrifice. And so when Jesus came, he lived a completely perfect life--a life without sin. Again, he was fully human and fully God (I can't grasp this concept either, but it is true), and lived a perfect life without sin and later died unjustly on a cross and was separated from God (the punishment we deserve) in order to be the ultimate atonement for our sins. Therefore we are now reconciled to God.

This I have known for a significant amount of time. At least, I could have recited it to you more than fourteen days ago. However, I was attending a church service about two weeks ago and heard the gospel (the good news of Christ) preached again, and later read this article called "The Centrality of the Gospel" by Timothy Keller (which can be found here), and realized that the gospel of Jesus does not mean I am saved by good deeds. The gospel is not religion (in fact, the most religious people in Jesus' day ordered Jesus to be crucified). It is not following a bunch of rules in order for God to be accepted. I know I have heard this before--just tonight, I picked up a book that I had read a few years ago that clearly explains that the gospel is not religion, and yet somewhere along the line I completely forgot. I began thinking that Christianity was indeed earning my salvation. I thought if I could only be good enough, if I could only get rid of all the filth in my life, I would finally be fulfilled. However, this never worked and therefore I proceeded to feel guilty for nearly four or more years of my life because I could never reach this perfect standard, clearly, because only Jesus could and did.

Needless to say, being revealed the truth of the gospel was very freeing. I recognized that this should be a very transformative truth, that it should change everything. And so, for the past two weeks or so, I have been trying to desperately remember this truth--I have been trying to absorb as much information about it as I can. I want to hold it all in my hands and not let go of any of it, but it seems that the harder I try, the less I am able to grasp it.  I realize that it is only by God's grace that he revealed this truth to me at all, but for some reason I keep trying to understand it more, as if my small mind was able to do such a thing in the first place. I desperately want there to be an easy answer, a bunch of bullet points that I can memorize in order to know the gospel, but it seems that the more that I try to do that, the more I forget it. In Ephesians 5:31-32, while the passage is about marriage, it says that "'therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.' This mystery is profound, and I am saying it refers to Christ and the church." I included the verse about the husband and the wife simply for context, but what I really want to focus on is the second verse--how Paul (the writer of Ephesians) is saying that Christ and the church is a profound mystery. And that is what I feel like. I truly feel that the gospel of Christ is a profound mystery, and is something I just cannot fully understand. Perhaps in His own time God will continue to reveal more fully the depth of the gospel to me, but if not, that is okay.

I thought maybe God uncovering this truth to me again, that religion will not save me, that I cannot be my own god, would make my life easier, that I would change or be automatically transformed or that all my past struggles would go away. But this has not been the case. But, I hope I can at least listen and absorb these words Jesus speaks in John 15: "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love."