sometimes

my head hurts, my heart is numb. sometimes I like to make up my own reality, but I know it is foolish. my mom gave me a sweater today that she used to wear all the time. it is like walking around wearing a big hug on my body.



sometimes
I am disillusioned
I think people will save me
I want them to save me
sometimes
I find myself unable to hug people



I can't believe it is november 28. I can't even remember what I was doing this time last year...in Florida somewhere, snapping shots of the southern sunshine. maybe I was beneath some big trees or taking self portraits in the oranges. maybe I was eating lunch in my grandparents big retirement community or comparing my height with thomas edison. who knows, really. all i know is that time goes by incredibly fast and incredibly slow. last year my hair was much shorter and darker. last year feels like a million moments ago. and I guess that's because it is.

it is pretty cool, because I have so much more hope than I had then. the world just seems clearer, somehow. and maybe that means I am more naive or more blind. but, I don't think so. I am hopeful, and I am hopeful not because I am a human. no, not in the slightest. I feel like I have come to accept more that someday I will grow old (God willing) and waste away--that someday everyone I love will not be here anymore, and that I won't be here anymore either. I have come to accept more that I cannot create my own reality, that my own efforts are not sufficient.