a gift

sometimes
I wonder what it is,
this pain we feel and if it is justified
mostly not,
simply
hard breaths
battling
mind for mind
dust of dust
picking apart my flesh
where is the newness?
my body seems to ask me
my brain seems to beg of me,
what are you doing?
I find that I am haunted
by the inner being inside of me
the world can throw insults at me,
sure,
but I think mostly I see beauty
the morning sunlight and the autumn breath that settles as a sweater around my body
beckoning life from my bones
it is this innerness that eats away
the innerness that shoves me against a wall and says,
THIS IS LIFE
but really I know it is not true.
I have been talking with some people lately
about how sometimes the loudest voice is often that is the one that is heard the most
even if it is entirely incorrect
and I wonder
if this is why we have such a hard time
hearing the Kingdom of God
because it is so near us
whispering in our ear
but we neglect paying it any attention
because we hear the louder voice,
the stronger call to darkness
and it seems easier to embrace
at the moment
while Heaven whispers in our ears,
come with me.
come and see.
and I wonder
what this means for my whole life.
why it is so hard for me to embrace Love
to embrace Justice and Truth
when it is so easy for me to embrace Evil
pure evil, that's all it is.
I wonder why I cannot embrace this man
Jesus
who gave me his Whole Life
as a gift
when was the last time I was given a gift and did not except it?