late night ramblings

sometimes i think i matter so much. sometimes i think that my problems and desires and worries and fears and all these things just matter so much, that what i major in is going to change the world or something, or what i do this summer or who i marry or if i marry or where i go or what i see will make this huge difference. that what i say on this blog has some impact on the world--and the truth is, i do believe these things. i think what we say, do, and think matters, because that is what makes the world around us. but the truth is it doesn't really matter what i think, because God is so much more powerful than i. in the beginning, when God created the stars and the plants and the animals and the humans, i wasn't there. and for some reason, this is sort of relieving. the weight of the world is not on my shoulders.


life is a mystifying thing. i don't quite understand how plants transform from little seeds into green life after the supplement of soil and water and sun. i don't understand how babies grow in a lady's tummy and how the stars are hanging in the sky. i don't really understand why i am here, i suppose. oh sure, i get that i am made in the image of God and that my life is supposed to point to Him (and it is something i am still working on really understanding...and putting into practice). but what i truly mean is: why am i here? why me?


oh, i don't know. sometimes i want to burst with all these feelings of good and other things i can't even put into words. sometimes it's just really hard for me to finish a project because i just want to be around people too much--i want to hear their words and laughter and feel their hugs. sometimes it feels like i need it. is that a bad thing? sometimes i just want to have conversations with people forever. sometimes i forget to have conversations with One i need the most. sometimes i just forget that i am living in life. but what is life? that is the question this world needs answered. it is an answer i too often forget, even though i could recite it by heart.



i just want to love. truly love, sacrifically love. and love more. and love without myself so involved all the time. unconditional. ya know? i just wanna give the world what it needs, but i am human, after all.