i miss eating strawberries over the sink, juicy and ripe, running down my chin. they were enormous and obviously un-natural, but they brought me comfort in a strange way.

college has been so fast-paced, i've hardly had time to think. thoughts are beginning to break, though, and i'm realizing once again (i already had known this all along) that my problems aren't going away. those same things i struggled with are still living inside of me, like a parasite or some disease that i can't cure. i am burdened by it frequently but never confront it, or am simply comfortable because it is what i have known for so long. it isn't life threatening, and it is something i can choose to change, pray about, and allow myself to be transformed by God, who would fulfill me beyond anything i have been trying to do. but the truth is that it is hard--i don't want to change. i am lazy. it would take a lot of work. but i am tired of being bonded by these chains, and that is the truth. i am tired of being afraid of loving people. i am tired of this fear.

i know that i must seek Him and i will find. i must knock, and the door will open. i must fly on a plane to a place far away and become new. i must be quiet, laugh, dance, sing praise and revel in His light. i must work for the fruit to enjoy it. i must become a servant and wash feet.

i starve for His goodness. but don't we all? it is my choice to react to the truths i have heard, to the things that will set me free.