exxxxxxx ploding

there is something i have noticed about myself just within these last few moments, and i realized that i value honesty very much. i really value when people honestly share what theyre feeling or thinking, especially in unexpected moments. but i also really like people who are honest writers, who are funny about things that aren't so funny.

i also have this tendency to torture myself. not in bad ways or anything, just in small ways, such as eating as much as a mother elephant or doing things i do not want to be doing, such as staying up ridiculously late, except last night it was necessary.

i just hate talking about myself. but i don't have much else to talk about. which seems incredibly narcissistic (sp?). but it's true, because i spend a lot of time with myself. i think i spend way too much time with myself actually. i dont know, i wish i was better at loving people. i don't think i'm trusting God enough. i don't think i'm ever trusting God enough. because i keep thinking that my life is going to go down the tubes, which is a terrible thing to think. but i just keep feeling as if i'm participating crappily in the atmosphere of life

oh my gosh this is pathetic. honestly. i really don't have it this bad.


okay, like today for instance.
- i forgot my lunch in my car so i ventured outdoors in the middle of the day (which was nice because sometimes i forget the world exists when i'm bustling around inside the halls of chs) and sunrays were pouring out of the sky like lemondrops. and it smelled like fresh rain, which was wonderful. i wish you could have been there.




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sometimes i have a lot of things i want to say but they just can't seem to escape how i want them to...or they get lost between my thoughts and my fingertips. some people are really good at explaining what they want to say. i just want to connecttttttt.

my stomach hurts